Laying Down The Law – The Best Stag Do Forfeits Around

"Now come on Steve - you let us dress you in this mankini and we virtually guarantee not to make you drink anyone's puke later."
“Now come on Steve – you let us dress you in this mankini and we virtually guarantee not to make you drink anyone’s puke later.” [image courtesy John Of Wales]
Most Stag Weekends are governed by a complex system of rules and regulations, which when contravened must not go unpunished. Depending on how hardcore the Groom is you can really go to town on your Stag Do forfeits, and it’s always a good idea to brainstorm a few upfront so that when you’re fifteen pints down all the thinking has already been done for you. Heck, you could even write them out and put them in a lucky dip hat if you were feeling particularly fruity.

Not all Stags were born equal, of course, so we’ve sorted these ideas into three clearly distinct categories. There’s something for everyone here, chaps.

LOW-LEVEL: For the sensitive gent

You’re working with a low-level Stag, the kind of guy who won’t see the funny side if he ends up in a ditch with a live stoat in his rectum. He doesn’t mind making a prat of himself, but he’d rather not involve any unsuspecting members of the public. No problem – these relatively tame Stag Do forfeits should keep everybody happy…

– Finish his drink
– Complete ten press-ups, sit-ups or bench presses where he stands
– Dance all the way to the next venue
– Walk backwards whenever moving between pubs
– Enter the next bar with his shoe-laces tied together
– Suffer an hour of either left-hand or right-hand drinking, depending on his orientation

MID-LEVEL: Ramp it up a few notches

This is more like it. Your mid-level fella won’t withstand too much physical pain, but he doesn’t mind risking public humiliation and is always game for a laugh. Here’s a list of forfeits for the more adventurous Stag…

– Crawl around the entire pub on his hands and knees
– Persuade a nearby lady to donate a lock of her hair to him
– Let the rest of the guys fake-tan one half of his face
– Pick the saddest song at karaoke and sing it like he REALLY means it (weeping, preferably)
– Find a girl in the bar willing to switch tops for half an hour
– Lick the armpit of the nearest Stag
– Ask the barmaid if he can kiss her feet
– Undo the flies of the person standing nearest to him (friend or otherwise)
– Complete twenty push-ups… ON THE BAR
– Reveal a sexual fantasy to a nearby female

HIGH-LEVEL: Superheroes only

We’ve arrived, people – this guy is The Terminator of Stag Dos. He can take anything you throw at him and will be severely disappointed if you don’t deliver. Christ, the dude almost gets off on being screwed over. There are no limits here…

– Drink five shots in a row, preferably of something really quite disgusting
– Visit the gents (with a witness) and ask the chap in the next urinal if he ‘wants a hand’
– Be dropped off two miles from the hotel, in the dark, wearing only shoes and a tiny bikini
– Allow the rest of the Stags to cling-film him to a lamp-post in the centre of town
– Approach a male stranger of the group’s choosing and invite him for sexy fun in a hedge
– Be shaved in any number of areas – head, eyebrows, or erm… groin
– Eat an entire Phall curry with no liquid accompaniment… AT ALL