Duties of Best man: Key people to remember

Groom and best man smiling at each other

It’s easy to forget some one important; Batman reverse’s the Bat mobile into the cave because he’s left Robin behind again. You realise you’ve left a six foot long corpse on the floor of the bedroom, it’s a stag night and you’re all sitting around holding beers and twenty pound notes but you’ve forgotten the strippers. It’s the day of the funeral and someone’s had to send the hearse back to the funeral parlour for the most important guest. And as best man you’ve got a small but vital list to remember. But barring a divorce and someone stumping up twenty grand you’re not going to get a second chance to get it right. So if you take your duties of best man seriously, here’s the definitive list – tick it off and you’ll be fine. Just don’t say thanks for looking red hot in a dress, to the vicar.

First and most important it’s the bride. If you forget it not only have you ruined the day but every one thinks you fancy the groom and forgot because you’re inconsolable. So tell her she’s beautiful tell the groom how lucky he is to have her. And tell how clever she is to have bagged him. And don’t blub till you’re in the gents with a hip flask, because you and Gary will never play strip subbuteo again. If you’re lucky one of the bridesmaids may comfort you.

The groom; now before you lay into him thank him for choosing you. Thank him for choosing you for a maddeningly large amount of work, staying sober on his stag night, bailing him out of casualty or the clink the morning after, holding his hand when he wept up how he was too young to marry. Well don’t say all that just bust his balls, a little.

Then there’s the bride and groom’s families; remember that’s four people make sure you compliment them. At this stage you can rib them very gently, rib them hard and expect to possibly get a swift poke in the rib. Be nice acknowledged whichever one paid for the shindig, applaud the great job they did raising the couple. And don’t ever mention if they share a branch or two on the same family tree.

The bride’s maids, this one is nice and simple. Just tell them how lovely they look and how supportive they’ve been to the bride. And don’t ever mention the fact that they’re wearing poo brown low cut dresses with snot green shoes. Making your maids of honours look like crap so you can shine, is a bridal tradition older than Christianity. Believe me you don’t want to mess with,

And of course mention the maid of honour by name. These days she’s sort of your opposite number with boobs. So you can make some light hearted jokes about what a great support she’s been to the bride. Just don’t call her a slag or anything and if you two ever had anything going on, seriously nobody wants to hear about it.

And finally the fellow grooms men shifting uncomfortably in their morning dress. Smile acknowledges them; let them know you’re all grooms men today. Even though this is patently untrue because you won and they lost. And frankly they should be wearing the same humiliating garb as the bridesmaids, because you won. Best man? You are the better man and they were just there to act as a pack of wingmen for you on the stag do. Well best not to say all that thank them and acknowledge them. They’re probably the best man’s best mates, closest family and don’t mention the creepy brother of the bride you’ve all been putting up with.

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