What Makes a Perfect Stag Night Costume?

three guys on a tandem with green mankini wearer on back
as they passed by, it was easy to spot the black sheep in the family

In 43AD Emperor Claudius landed on the South English Coast with several thousand Roman Legionnaires.  All dressed the same in shiny leather miniskirts, bright red capes and waving their banners so they could see each other. Filled up with cheap French red wine and looking to discover both English Ale and ladies. In many ways they could be considered the first ever fancy dress stag party in the UK.

A century later Boudicca Queen of the Iceni would lead a British Army wild haired, mostly nude, covered in blue wode and loaded on mead and ale in a massacre of Roman settlers.  A massacre that would lead to Londonium the Roman capital; unprotected in these years before the invention of the night club doorman to be burned to the ground. This may well be considered the second fancy dress stag night.

What do these two momentous events have in common?  Stag party outfits.  Neither the invasion nor the resistance could have been half as effective without a uniform too allow the members to feel bonded together; more importantly it allowed them to easily recognise each other.  It gave them a common purpose.  It’s worth remembering “common purpose” was a new crime brought in by the last Labour government, with sentences of 5 years and up.

So what makes a perfect stag night costume?  It should be fun, it should allow you to find each other easily in the crowded club or pub, it should humiliate the groom just enough.

So here are some ideas:

1. Nude

This has to the big plus that it’s cheap and if you’ve been down the gym in preparation it allows you to show off your bod.   Disadvantages; well it’s bloody cold for a start, secondly it’s illegal anywhere except a nudist beach and well do you really want to have a stag there?  I mean it’s going to be dark and nudist beaches tend to be full of wrinkly old guys.  Who resemble a sex offender’s branch of World of Leather.

2. Transvestite

Ah now this is traditional.  What’s funnier than 10 blokes in dresses, heels, makeup, wigs and of course two balloons shoved down the front?  Some comedians and film makers have made whole careers out of this.  There are two big disadvantages with this outfit.  Firstly one of the big advantages of being a bloke is not having to wear the incredibly uncomfortable things women wear in the name of fashion.  Secondly probably somewhere in the stag, somewhat later is a quick ironic pop into the local gay bar.  You may give out signals you weren’t quite intending.  Of course if you are a gay transvestite marrying your boyfriend, then the chance to wear just jeans and a t-shirt may be quite a treat.

3. Fancy Dress

Another classic this shows you’re having fun, draws attention and raises a laugh. Disadvantages are professional costumes are expensive;  even more so if abandoned in front of the shop door in a black bin bag stained with beer, kebab, perfume and a vomitus mixture of the other three.  There’s a reason you’re asked for a deposit, in case you leave one.  Secondly some people have a dodgy sense of humour.  And we all have that friend who’ll wear a KKK hood in Brixton, a Nazi uniform in Golders Green or a Jimmy Saville outfit.  With a Barbie doll stuck to the front of the shell suit bottoms.  Now then that’s just in poor taste, now then, now then.

 4. Themed T-shirt

So at the end of the day it may be best to go for the traditional jeans and a T-shirt from the print shop.  With a picture of the groom on the front with a big silly grin.  Put everyone’s name on the back with a made up job (groom, best man, idiot mate the bride will be getting rid of after the big day).  Just don’t do anything stupid like put surnames or even worse still phone numbers on there.

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