The Stag Strikes Back!

How to Defend Against Your Best Man’s Devilry

Stags have got every right to be nervous when their best man is in charge. Stag dos are notorious for excessive drinking, dressing up in ridiculous costumes, and boys being boys.

They are becoming increasingly outrageous and expensive too. One stag do in Bournemouth ended up with the stag’s mate spending a third of his annual salary in one evening! Another, in Spain, resulted in the groom-to-be causing a major security scare after he drunkenly clambered over the gates of a politician’s home.

If The Hangover taught us anything, it’s that celebrating your ‘last night of freedom’ has become bigger, bolder and more extreme than ever before. So here are a few ideas to take the sting out of the tail and make sure you don’t fall prey to the best man’s devilry, well, not entirely at least.

Prepare for the worst

We’re not all lucky enough to go to Vegas for our stag dos, but there are lessons to be learnt from the mayhem caused by Alan, Stu, Phil and Doug in The Hangover trilogy. Ultimately, you need to be prepared for anything. You’ll need to arm yourself with a selection of tools, currencies, emergency contact numbers, all manner of silly and momentarily useful gadgets and gizmos, the odd app or two and the will to survive.

This means writing the number of a local locksmith on your arm in case your mates decide to chain you to a railing (cliché, we know, but it happens). If you think your best man will conduct a body search before the shenanigans start, then invest in some boxer shorts with pockets so you can hide your passport, cards and money in the one place he’ll hopefully fear to tread! But then again, this is a stag do…

Give as good as you get, or sneak off for a tactical break

They say a good defence is a good offence so one way to survive your best man’s devilry is to give him a taste of his own medicine. He’ll want to get you as drunk as possible, which means he’ll be spiking your drinks left right and centre. But even the best man will need the loo at some point – that’s your chance to strike back!

Swap your drink with his, pour some of yours into his glass or take yourself off to the loo for a sneaky half hour snooze. You could always line your stomach by eating a full English and a Sunday roast before you start the drinking too – that should at least slow down the alcohol’s effect for a while.

Don’t wear anything you don’t want to lose

Your best man has most likely bought you an outrageous outfit to wear on your stag do, and you can expect it to be unflattering, eye-catching and to expose a lot of flesh. It’s mandatory for the stag to look like the fool in the group. If your best man goes for a Disney theme, then you will be Snow White, while your mates are the dwarves. Say no more.

And this is likely to be the best-case scenario – other stags are forced to wear lingerie or mankinis! While the primary purpose of dressing up is to make you look silly, it does have an upside: you don’t have to worry about your clothes getting ruined.

Whether you’re stripped down or suited and booted (even if it is in a dress), leave your expensive watch at home (unless it’s one of those flexible, waterproof, durable and wipe clean watches). Once the drinking starts, time will lose all meaning anyway and wearing a watch, bracelet or chain might stop you wriggling free from whatever ropes, straps or chains your best man has in store for you.

Help your mates keep track of your whereabouts

It’s not unusual for stags to wander off during their big night out, whether that’s because they’ve had too much to drink, or because they’re trying to escape the chaos and humiliation. If it looks as though things are going to get messy, then for your own safety, and your mates’ peace of mind, you should have some way of tracking each other’s whereabouts. The bride too might like some reassurance you can be located if you fail to make it to the ceremony on time.

We’re not suggesting you get a microchip put into your arm like James Bond in Spectre, but you could use an app like ‘Find My Friends’. Once it’s set up and you’re connected with your mates, all they have to do is request your location and your phone will tell them where you are. The next step is for them to then figure out how to get you home. Although this will, of course, fail if you lose your phone. So get some glue or sticky tape and fix it to an arm or leg.

If all else fails, your only consolation is revenge. Whatever mayhem your best man delivers on your stag do, you can return the favour when he gets married – unless of course, you’ve already had your turn. In which case, it’s time to get on your knees and pray to the Lord above.

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