The Ultimate Best Man Checklist

Everyone likes a good checklist, and if you’ve just been asked to be somebody’s Best Man then boy are you gonna need one. Between the speech, the Stag Do and the wedding day, you’ll have your work cut out for you in making sure you successfully play your part as the Groom’s right-hand man – and being ruthlessly organised is the only guaranteed way to avoid last-minute panic.

So, ensure you don’t miss out any of the important tasks with our made-to-measure, totally foolproof* Ultimate Best Man Checklist.

(*We accept no responsibility for any fudge-ups resulting from the use of our list. Especially if these include accidentally leaving the Groom in an abbatoir in Mexico City. That’s your mess to clean up.)

THE SPEECH

– Thank all the appropriate people
Be careful not to miss out anybody vitally important in your thanks list. As the hosts, the brides’ parents are perhaps the most important people to remember.

– Keep to the industry-standard length of seven minutes or less
This is tough to do, but pays dividends if you can manage it. Be brutal with your editing. We don’t need to know the Groom’s GCSE results or favourite pair of pants.

– Break the speech down into handy notes
Again, do this early. You need to make sure you’ve got a few weeks left to practise it using the notes you’re actually going to take on the day. Also, try and avoid writing the whole thing out longhand and reading it word-for-word, as this can feel contrived.

– Avoid clichés and smutty jokes
If you download your speech off the internet, everybody will be able to tell. Seriously.

– Practise, practise, practise
The sooner you start practising, the less terrifying it will be on the day. Use a willing friend as a guinea pig; they’ll be happy to do it.

THE STAG DO

– Start an e-mail list and communicate regularly with the group
People like to be kept informed. Use your e-mail list to collect money, garner feedback and organise the heck out of everyone.

– Structure activities across the weekend
Don’t stuff the whole Stag Do with organised fun, but don’t leave it empty either. A happy balance somewhere in between is ideal.

– Arrange some forfeits and ritual humiliation
Tailor these to your Stag. Not all men can take a giant marrow up the bum, but if yours can, then… erm… don’t forget to pack the giant marrow.

THE WEDDING DAY

– Look after the rings
That’s right, Frodo. DON’T LET THOSE LITTLE BUGGERS OUT OF YOUR SIGHT. And if you muck this one up, it’ll be ten times worse than the triumph of evil in Middle Earth… believe me.

– Look after the Groom
I’m not putting this second because it’s less important than looking after the rings… although… who am I kidding? It is less important, because most brides would probably rather you lost the Groom than the rings. That’s the sad truth. But hey, the Groom’s important too, so keep an eye out for him. He may need a shoulder to cry on, or just somebody to find him a stiff drink every half-hour or so.

– Stay sober
Again, this can be trickier in practise than in theory. One to two drinks will take the edge off; three or more is likely to furnish you with a damaging amount of false confidence. Six and above and you may wet yourself on stage – which is harder than you might think to pass off as an hilarious set-piece.

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